


The Bizarre Demons of AZ Fell & Co Antique Booksellers

by WorseOmens



Series: Good Omens Outsider POVs [7]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved, Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Buzzfeed Unsolved episode, Ghost Hunting, Humour, M/M, Shenanigans, Spirit Box, demonic infestation, ryan is shook, scepticism, shane finds the whole thing hilarious, the boys slowly discover Mr Fell’s actual demon husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21986215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorseOmens/pseuds/WorseOmens
Summary: The Ghoul Boys come to Soho to investigate a famously strange antique bookshop.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands - Relationship, Shane Madej & Ryan Bergara
Series: Good Omens Outsider POVs [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545919
Comments: 171
Kudos: 1957
Collections: Good Omens For Thy Soul





	1. The Bizarre Demons of AZ Fell & Co Antique Booksellers

"This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we are in London, England, investigating the eerie halls of AZ Fell & Co's antique booksellers as part of our ongoing investigation into the question: Are Ghosts Real?"

As Ryan delivered his classic line to the camera, Shane shook his head. He turned toward him, a barely-suppressed smile on his face. "So... you really didn't like this one," he said smugly.

Shane shrugged, sipping from his mug. "Yeah, it was... it was spooky," he replied. He feigned nonchalance. "Pretty spooky shop, foreign country... let's be honest, the manager was pretty weird too."

"I dunno, I liked him," Ryan said. He shot a side-glance at the camera. "Apart from, y'know... that bit at the end."

They both stared at the camera for an awkward moment. "And on to the episode!" Shane loudly announced, making Ryan jump.

The shot changed to a rain-slick street in London, approaching a corner building. The camera panned up the building, the dark windows reflecting nothing back. Shane let out a long whistle, lingering at the edge of the shot. "Nice place," he said.

"That's what you think," Ryan replied from behind the camera.

A slideshow of images, arranged in a timeline, overtook the footage. Ryan's voiceover narrated the graphic. "AZ Fell & Co's Antiquarian and Booksellers has been active in London since the 14th of February 1800, when AZ Fell Senior opened the shop after a long sojourn in France," he said. "Contemporary sources describe Mr Fell as an eccentric but distinguished man, renowned for his good taste and poor business practices."

"Poor business practices?" Shane interrupted, the video feed returning to the set. He sat up straighter, half-smiling. "Ryan, it's 2019. The man's shop is still open. It's lasted, like, 200 years, so it can't have been that bad."

"Well, you say that, but according to this he never sold a single book," he said, tapping on his case file. 

He stared back. "That," he said slowly. "... is bullshit."

"It's not!"

"It is!" he said, gesturing to the papers with both hands. "How long did old Mr Fell Senior run the shop for?"

"That's where things get interesting," he said. "There are no official records of the shop ever changing hands from Mr Fell Senior. People say that it was passed on to his son, and his grandson, and so on - who were all called AZ Fell, by the way - but they don't have any paperwork to prove it."

Shane paused. "Yeah? So?" he said. "It's a family business, Ryan. They don't always keep records."

"Okay, that's one way of looking at it," he said, ignoring the way Shane rolled his eyes and groaned. "Or, you could look at the fact that every AZ Fell to run the shop since 1800 all look exactly the same."

He sighed, leaning forward as if to share a secret with him. "Look, Ryan, buddy," he said in a low voice, in an exaggerated sober tone. "We are going to speak to this man. We are going to ask him to let us walk around in his shop, out of the kindness of his heart, so we can do our funny little ghost-hunting show. You are not going to ask him if he is immortal."

The footage cut back to the timeline. "Strange occurrences have been reported in the shop as soon as the business opened at the start of the nineteenth century. Strange lights have been seen from inside, and unpleasant smells are said to come from every corner of the building with no visible source," he said, as a graphic listing all the happenings appeared on-screen in white text. "Customers have reported an oppressive presence in the shop, often giving them the strong urge to flee and never return."

"It is this presence that points to the worst the bookshop has to offer," he continued, the timeline scrolling forward into the twentieth century. "Things in the shop have been seen moving on their own, or disappearing into thin air. This especially applies to books, which have even been known to vanish right out of a customer's hands. From 1941 onwards, these occurrences became even more commonplace, with some visitors reporting the sound of serpentine hissing from an unknown source. A professional psychic from the time once visited the shop, and later published a column in a tabloid newspaper denouncing AZ Fell & Co as, quote, _a hotbed of sin, magic and demonic activity_ , end quote."

Shane raised both his eyebrows, drumming a tune on the desk. "Wow. Sounds like a party," he said. He jumped, pointing at Ryan. "Wait, is this your one demon episode this season?"

He hung his head. "Yeah, this is the demon episode," he sighed. He looked at his friend's grin with a rueful smile of his own. "Don't laugh. Don't gimme that look, you know I hate demon investigations."

"Then why bother, Ryan?" he said, spreading his arms. "Let's just go - uh, what is that they say, in London? Let's go 'ave a pint, guv'nah!"

The shot changed, now facing an old living room. Many stacks of books had to be moved to make room for the camera and tripod, and more still so the shot wasn't cluttered. Mr Fell, dressed like he was ready for a night out in Victorian London, sat on the antique sofa opposite Shane and Ryan. 

"Uh, well, we'd just like to start by saying thank you for letting us take a look around your shop," Ryan said, smiling nervously. Mr Fell had driven a hard bargain, reluctant to let many people into his shop after hours. They'd eventually managed to negotiate an opportunity to film using only themselves and one crew member to hold the camera. It was tough, but it was simply the only terms that Mr Fell would accept. He was worried about too many clumsy humans damaging his books. 

"Yeah, it's incredible," Shane agreed, tilting his head back to look around in awe. "So much knowledge all in one place."

"Oh, thank you," Aziraphale replied, touching a hand to his chest. 

"Okay, so... I guess we'll get straight into the interview," Ryan said, nervously rubbing his hands together. He could already see what the reports meant by the mouldy smell, but he didn't feel the need to turn and run yet. "So, are you aware of the reputation that your shop has for its - ah - supernatural goings-on?"

Aziraphale fidgeted uncomfortably. "Well... I should like to think people's imaginations haven't been running away with them too much," he said with an awkward smile. "I am running a perfectly normal bookshop here, I absolutely assure you. There's no - no funny business, not at all."

Shane and Ryan shared a small glance. "Yeah, yeah, of course," Shane said, nodding, and beginning to think that old Mr Fell might be a bit loopy after all.

"Have you ever experienced anything odd in the shop?" Ryan asked, trying to stay on-track.

"Odd?"

"Yeah, like, hearing voices, or hissing," he said, gesturing vaguely with his hands. "Have you ever felt scared for no reason? Or been scratched by an invisible presence, anything like that?"

His brow furrowed. "In my own home? No, of course not," he said, tugging his bow tie straight. "I feel very at peace here. I always have."

"And how long have you lived here?" Shane asked, making idle conversation seeing as the supernatural one was going nowhere.

Aziraphale opened his mouth, then closed it again. He frowned, as if thinking very hard, and began to count on his fingers while muttering under his breath. "Erm... my whole life?" he said, sounding uncertain. 

Ryan desperately wanted to ask why he needed to count on his fingers to figure that out, but decided against it. "So, you've lived here all your life, but you've never seen anything odd? Nothing maybe - maybe demonic?"

The flinch on the angel's face betrayed him. "Well... I wouldn't, perhaps, go that far..."

Shane sat up, frowning. "So you have experienced something paranormal in this shop?" he said in disbelief. He'd honestly thought that Mr Fell was a fellow sceptic.

"Not paranormal, per se. I view demons as much a part of the natural order as you or I," he said, eager to dispel the fear he sensed gathering around the shorter gentleman. "They aren't always especially polite, of course, and I certainly wouldn't recommend going in search of one, but they are terribly misunderstood creatures."

Ryan gawked at him, his cheeks bleached white. "S - sorry, so, you think demons are just... misunderstood?"

"To a degree," he replied defensively. He raised a teacup to his lips, and Shane could have sworn that he hadn't had one before. 

"So what have you actually seen in the shop, then?" Shane asked curiously. A smile clung to his face as he felt Ryan's mounting shock and horror. 

"Him," he replied simply, his expression giving nothing away.

Back in the set, Ryan held up his hands, building himself up to speaking. "I hated that," he said, enunciating each word slowly. 

"You did?" Shane said, sipping from his cup.

"Yes!" he shrieked. "That was the moment where I stopped liking Mr Fell. As soon as he just said _him_ , that was it."

"That was the moment?" he said calmly, nodding along. He turned to the camera, gesturing with his mug. "To Ryan's credit, on this one, it was a little weird. He did just - just completely refuse to elaborate on that."

"Yeah, I was like, 'oh, him? Who is he? Can you, like, explain what you mean by that?' and he was just like... nah," Ryan said, irate and unable to sit still. "There was no footage that we cut out there for dramatic effect, that's literally where the conversation ended."

AZ Fell's after hours was inky black, barely pierced by their torch beams. The stacks of books surrounding them formed eerie silhouettes, lurking in every shot. Aziraphale had arranged them to form paths through the shop, fearful that they would knock some over. They had been given many rigorous lectures about the books. The bottom line was: _do not touch_.

"Okay, so... here we are, AZ Fell's," Ryan said, standing in the green cast of the infrared camera. "It's dark outside, it's creepy..."

"We might meet Him," Shane chipped in, looking up and around the shelves. 

"Thanks, Shane, that really makes me feel better," Ryan said dryly, following him deeper into the shelves. 

"You're welcome, Ryan."

They stopped in-between two towering shelves, craning their necks in vain in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the ceiling in the darkness. For all they tried, it still seemed that the shop stood open to a featureless, lightless night sky. Shane hummed.

"Very big room," Shane said quietly, looking over his shoulder. "Like, could you imagine how big this room would be, without the shelving..?"

"Seriously?" Ryan said, frowning at him. "We could be being watched by - by some nameless demon and all you can think about is floor space?"

"What?" he said, shrugging. "This is some prime real estate, Ryan."

He gave an impatient sigh. "Right. Okay, to whatever spirits may be in this shop... I'm Ryan, this is Shane," he called out into the dark. "We're here to investigate this - this place. If there's anything you want to say, any way you want to reach out to us... we'll give you some silence."

"Ghosts! Spook us!" Shane called. The feed dropped into silence, audio feedback fading in for a few seconds. In the distance, there was a thump.

Ryan gasped. "Did you hear that?"

"The bang?" Shane said, turning to the vague direction of the sound. "Like a book fell over. Probably nothing."

Ryan scoffed, backing up along the aisle into an open space. "How can you say that?" he said, voice wavering. His eyes were wide, facing the back of the shop.

"Look at these stacks of books, Ryan," he said, pointing at the one beside him. "They're precarious. They probably fall over all the time."

"That wasn't a whole pile, that was just one book," he insisted, edging carefully toward the door behind the counter. "So... it came from the back room. I hear that, in all the shop, it's the upstairs which has a lot of activity, but the back room... is like, a hotspot."

"For what, Ryan?" he sighed, slouched with his hands in his pockets, staring dispassionately at the door.

"Let's go find out," he said, steeling himself and moving toward the door.

A graphic appeared on-screen, depicting an antique office space. "The back room is the most active room in the shop. Activity is reported at all hours of the day, from customers who hear rustling and voices despite the room being supposedly empty, to neighbours hearing the sound of classical music playing loudly all night," Ryan's voiceover said. "Mr Fell denies all knowledge of these occurrences."

They stood in the back room of the shop, turning around as if expecting to see a figure in the dark. "Weird. We were literally conducting an interview with the shop owner in this room, this morning," Shane said, pointing out the plush chairs they had sat in.

"Oh yeah," Ryan said. "I didn't even - like, compute, at the time, that this was the most active room and we were just sitting in it."

"Almost like it's just a normal room," Shane said meaningfully. 

"Okay, ghouls," Ryan called, ignoring him, holding something up in his right hand. "I have a device in my hand that might make it easier for you to communicate with us."

"You gonna haaaaaate iiiit," Shane said in a sing-song voice, sitting down on the sofa.

The spirit box screamed into life, settling into a rhythm of gargling notes and syllables. The static flooded the audio, spitting out fragments of words and music as they waited for a response. "I'm Ryan, this is Shane. Can you say either of our names back to us?"

_krrt - hi RyAN - bzzt - ANd ShAne_

Shane gave a bark of laughter, covering his mouth as if to hide his smile. Ryan didn't find it so funny. The colour drained from his face, like a caricature of a theatre mask, painted with horror. "It - it said - "

"It said our names, Ryan! You did it, it's ghosts," Shane laughed, his torch moving erratically as his body jolted with laughter. The voice on the spirit box had been a deep baritone, slightly intermingled with static. 

_kssht- t - n - n - bzz- not a ghost - SHANE - ksssht_

Ryan gave a long groan. "Oooooh God. Oh god, no, no no no no no," he wailed, pacing back and forth restlessly with the spirit box still in his hand. Eventually, he forced himself back to stand opposite Shane again, taking deep breaths. "Okay. Okay, okay, I got this."

"Yeah, man," he replied, as unfazed as ever. "Ask it somethin', this ghoul's a - a chatterbox. It's a chatterbox for the spirit box."

"What are you?" Ryan asked. For a moment, static filled the room. Taking a breath, scowling as Shane snickered at the lack of response. "Come on now, don't go quiet on me. What are y - ?"

_krrt - a - r - kssshh - DEMON - bzzt_

"Demon. That said demon," Ryan said insistently, looking to Shane for conformation.

"Ah, I don't know, man... could have been, like... pfft... I dunno," he said with a tired shrug. "Pea man or something."

"Pea man?" he echoed reproachfully.

"It's no more plausible than demon," he said. "You're hearing what you want to hear, Ryan."

_a - a - bi - krrt - HEy guYs - hssh- StiLL HeRe_

Both sets of eyes dropped to the radio. "Oh. He doesn't like being ignored," Shane said lightly. "DEMON! If that is what you really are... Tell us your name."

 _be - o - hrrrt - CrOw - LeY - krrrrrsht_

"Was... was that Crowley?" Ryan said, bringing it closer to his ear. "Is your name Crowley?"

Only static played back. There was a fragment of a word that could have been "yes", but it went by too quick to register. "Why are you here? What do you want in this shop?" Ryan asked, loudly and clearly.

_WaNT - er- krrt - h - aNGeL - hhhsssssss - MY aNgEL - hhhhhssssssss_

"Your angel? You want your angel?” he said nervously. "What angel, what are you talking about? How is it 'yours'?"

A jumble of unintelligible noises and interference screamed through the speaker, making Shane wince. "Oof, touched a nerve. He didn't like that," he said. He raised his voice, addressing the demon. "What about Mr Fell, how does he play into your... uh, your devious plan?"

_ngk_

"What was that?" Ryan asked. The box buzzed on, scanning through channels as the demon remained silent. “Tell us what you want with Mr Fell. Why are you haunting this man?”

“Yeah, leave him alone!” Shane yelled, turning around as if he would see Crowley lurking in the dark. “He’s a nice dude. He wears a bow tie. He don’t want no demons, crawlin’ around in here.”

_bzzzzzzk - k - k - krr - rrrrrrr - AM in LoVe - bzzzz - i LOVE him - hssssht - he izzzz MINE_

"You're... in love?" Shane said. Ryan gawked. "Well. That's a new one."

"That can't have been it. No," Ryan said, shaking the box slightly, holding it up to his ear. As he did, it shrieked louder, making him cry out in surprise. 

"Oh he's mad. You're shitting all over his crush, Ryan," Shane mocked. "Are you mad, demon? Huh? Has Ryan Bergara made you angry?"

"Dude, don't - !"

_sssshhhh - bzzz - YES - HE - HAS - kkrrrt_

"See?" he laughed as Ryan wailed, collapsing onto the sofa to hold his head in his hands and reevaluate his life choices. "I told you he was mad! If the demon wants to make a move on the old British dude, don't _argue_ with him."

"Don't you think that's dangerous?" he argued, unwilling to take it as a joke. "Should we like - tell Mr Fell that there's basically a demon in his shop, ogling him?"

"Maybe he's into it. I mean, he did say he's seen 'Him'. Maybe he's seen a little, uh, little more than he's lettin' on, if you know what I'm saying," he said, waggling his eyebrows and making a crude gesture. 

"You're suggesting that Mr Fell had sex with a demon?" Ryan said flatly, resting his chin on his fist. 

_t - t - t - krrrt - oh - he HAS - ksssh - b - brrt_

Shane let out another bout of raucous laughter, wheezing and trying to hold himself up on the armchair. "Did you hear that?" he said, wiping tears from his eyes. "Crowley says he did! Hear that, Internet? Mr Fell banged a demon. What a guy, props to him."

"I mean, it would explain the immortality," Ryan murmured, half under his breath.

_b - b - brrrt - RYAN - ksssht - ryAn - p - t - k - krrrr - heY RyAn_

Ryan gulped, beginning to shake. Shane smirked, pointing at the box. “Someone wants your attention, Ryan,” he said. 

“No, I don’t - I don’t want to talk to him,” he said, hugging himself tightly. He shook his head insistently. 

“Oh come on, he’s a friendly demon. He’s nice, he just wants some - uh - some angels and old booksellers,” he said, patting him on the shoulder. “This is like, the longest conversation you’ve ever had with the spirit box. You’re gonna be holding this over me for - for the rest of the season.”

_ttrrrrrk - j - j - rYaN - brrt - kzzzzzt - get up - tktktktk - move_

Ryan paused, listening to the radio channels. He wasn’t certain what he’d heard. “Move?” he said, narrowing his eyes with uncertainty. “Do you want us to leave? Is that it?”

_no - bzzzz - idiot_

“Ha! He called you an idiot,” Shane laughed. Ryan glared at him.

_bsssh - m - ni - t - trrrr - STAND - zzzzzt_

Impulsively, Ryan leapt to his feet with a frightened cry. It sent Shane into another fit of giggles, pointing at the space where he’d been sat. “Hey Ryan, look!” he said, going closer. “You were sat on a book.”

He picked up the antique, which was luckily one of the sturdier tomes in the shop. It had been buried half underneath the pillow that Ryan had collapsed onto in his panic, and had failed to notice. “That’s - that’s insane,” Ryan said, edging closer to look at it. “He knew. He wanted me to - to stop sitting on the... on the book.”

“Well yeah. These are his boyfriend’s favourite things,” he replied, putting the book down in a more visible place. “Respect the books, Ryan.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Y’know, Mr Fell,” he said. 

“Don’t call him that.”

_brrrrrt - k - k - huSBanD - zzztt_

They both looked down at the box. “Oh. They’re married,” Shane said, amused.

Ryan sighed, shaking his head. “Okay, that’s it, I’ve had enough of the spirit box,” he said, flicking it off without so much as a goodbye. 

Back at the set, Ryan sat stock still behind the desk. Shane stared at him, silent, chuckling building up from his chest as the comedic silence started to get to him. “Y’alright there, Ryan?”

“That,” he said slowly, “was the most terrifying spirit box session I’ve ever had.”

There was a pause. “Anything to add to that?”

“Nope,” he said with an an unhinged grin, straightening his case files. “Back to the investigation.”

They climbed the stairs to the upper floor, with the torch beams playing on the uneven steps as they went. Shane commentated on the architecture some more, while Ryan fought to control his blood pressure after their talk with Crowley. He held out an EMF device, waving it back and forth once they reached the landing.

“I’m getting some readings up here,” he muttered, glancing over his shoulder.

“Do you th - ?”

“Ssshhh!” Ryan said, wide-eyed. “Do you hear that?”

They fell silent. As soon as they did, a low, quiet hissing filled the room, serpentine and unmistakable. Shane hummed in discontent. “Is there like, a snake in here? Maybe a cat?” he said quietly. “Maybe a hissing roach.”

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Ryan called out tremulously. The hissing abruptly stopped. 

They walked slowly through the hall, but found all the doors were locked. The window overlooked the main thoroughfare below, which was cold and abandoned that night. As the camera zoomed in to the street, the only notable thing it found was a classic Bentley parked across the road. 

“Okay, usually, I would suggest that we do our solo investigations and work with the spirit box again up here, but...” he said, trailing off and giving Shane puppy-dog eyes.

“You don’t want to talk to Crowley again,” he guessed. “Yeah, okay. What’s your amazing plan instead?”

“Leaving early,” he replied, still shaken up.

“Leaving - ? Ryan, we still have a show to finish. Think of all the viewers at home,” he said, gesturing toward the camera.

“I have a better idea. Why don’t we come back tomorrow to discuss our findings with Mr Fell?” he suggested.

“I don’t know, Ryan...”

The shot cut back the shop in daytime, with Mr Fell on the sofa again. “Thanks for agreeing to a second interview, Mr Fell,” Shane said. “We usually just wrap things up with one.”

“Oh, not at all,” he said, waving a hand dismissively. “How did you find it? Perfectly normal, I hope.”

“Uh... not exactly,” Ryan said with a nervous smile. “The reason we wanted to talk with you again is that we got some evidence that was - uh - actually really concerning, as far as you’re concerned.”

“Oh?” he said, frowning. “Like what?”

He opened his mouth to begin explaining, when the bell in the next room jingled. He jumped, giving a squeak of surprise which made Shane laugh (again). “Ah, that should be Crowley,” said Aziraphale happily.

“What?” Ryan whimpered, his face turning sheet white again. Footsteps crossed the shop, coming closer to the back room, and Aziraphale looked expectantly at the door. It swung open, and a tall, thin figure stood in the door. He was darkly dressed, with dark red hair and sharp, unfriendly features. A pair of sunglasses covered his eyes. 

“Hey, angel,” he said, stepping inside. He gave the humans a curt nod. “Shane, Ryan.”

“Oh, you know us?” Shane said, sounding only mildly surprised and trying to distract them from his friend’s horror-stricken face. 

“Of course,” he said, shooting them a mischievous smirk, throwing himself down on the sofa beside Aziraphale.

“This is Crowley, my husband,” he explained, subtly wriggling closer to him as the demon wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He sat back, slouching against the sofa with his ankle resting on his knee, the polar opposite of Aziraphale’s neat posture. “Now, you were about to tell me about some concerning news in my shop, weren’t you?”

“Er...” Ryan said, staring fearfully at the redhead. Crowley smirked, giving him a lazy wave. “Well - well, um, no. Not really. Thanks for your time, really, but we need to go.”

“That couldn’t have been a coincidence,” Ryan said, slamming his hands down on the desk back in the Unsolved set. “We speak to a demon in the shop, who says he loves Mr Fell, and that they’re married, and then we see Fell’s husband, who has the same name as the demon, the very next day.”

Shane shrugged. “Yeah, sounds like they were messing with us,” he said. “It can’t be that hard to like, interfere with the spirit box, Ryan. It was probably some practical joke.”

He spluttered, gesturing wildly and staring at the camera as if looking for someone to back him up. “But - no, that’s not how it works,” he said. “You can’t just - it scans through radio channels, you can’t tune in to the same frequency as a spirit box because it’s always changing, and Crowley was speaking in full sentences. It can’t have been a trick.”

“So what? It was a demon?” he said.

“Yes!”

“You really think that the dude in the sunglasses was a monster from Hell?” Shane said, relaxing back in his chair.

“Well... yeah,” he said. “There was a full demonic infestation in that shop, Shane, and you can’t convince me otherwise.”

“There was a full demonic infestation in Mr Fell, too, if you believe the spirit box chatter,” Shane snickered, winking theatrically to the camera and tapping his nose. 

“Oh my god...” Ryan sighed, shaking his head. The outro music began to play. 

The voiceover returned. “AZ Fell & Co is an old building with an unremarkable history. The real mystery here lies in the cast of characters inhabiting its halls: perhaps an immortal bookseller, perhaps an amorous demon, or perhaps something else entirely,” he said, over the top of a montage of clips from the shop. “I am confident that the shop is haunted, but the true nature the bizarre haunting of AZ Fell’s will remain... unsolved.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might write an extra chapter or two for this, depending on the response. Anyone want me to write the post-mortem for this ep, or a snapshot of the comments section?


	2. Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem: AZ Fell & Co Q + A

"Hello and welcome to another edition of Buzzfeed Unsolved Post-mortem, a show where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, which was the Bizarre Demons of AZ Fell & Co," said Ryan, in front of the familiar backdrop of the horse bust and library shelves. "All the questions we're answering today came from you guys via our Buzzfeed Unsolved Facebook page and our Buzzfeed Unsolved Instagram page as well as directly on the video on BUN."

"BUN!" Shane cried in unison with the last word, throwing his arms up. He smiled at Ryan. "So, ye olde book-shoppe... in good old London."

"This was a really weird episode. I don't think we've ever - actually - like, seen an apparition in the daytime," he said, adjusting his cap. Shane's brow furrowed, prompting Ryan to elaborate. "Crowley. We saw Crowley in the second interview."

"Oh," he said, nodding. "Right, you still think Mr Fell's husband is an actual demon."

"You don't?" he cried. 

Shane shrugged, staring knowing at the camera and sipping from his mug. With a scoff, Ryan shook his head, pulling his laptop closer to him. "Whatever, man, let's get on to some questions," he said, clucking his tongue. "Okay, this is from Not-Even-Once on Instagram... Ryan, do you think that Crowley (the demon on the spirit box) was telling the truth?"

Shane scratched his chin. "What? Do we believe that he's in love with Mr Fell, married him, maybe got a little freaky...?" he said. He threw up his arms carelessly. "Sure. I don't see why not, he's just a - a normal dude. Normal husband stuff, y'know."

"Yeah, I think," he said thoughtfully. "Hmm... I'm gonna go with yes. I mean, I don't believe that Crowley is actually in love with Mr Fell, but I believe the other stuff. I mean, we saw the guy the next morning, they were married."

"Ryan!" Shane cried, staring judgementally at him. 

"What?" he laughed awkwardly.

"These are real people you're talking about. What if they watch this episode?" he said, descending into nervous laughter and slumping back into his chair. "You literally just - just accused a random guy of not loving his husband, based on no evidence."

"The evidence is, he's a demon," he replied. 

Shane shook his head, scrolling through his phone. "Okay, very quickly moving on, hoping we don't get sued for libel..." he muttered. "Okay! This is from Jen Lamont on YouTube... Hey Ryan and Shane, have you wondered if Mr Fell is actually an angel? It would kind of make sense because the spirit box said the demon wanted "his angel" and the next morning, Crowley came in and called Fell angel. Just a thought. Love you guys."

"Mr Fell... a real angel..." said Ryan, staring past the camera. "Huh. I mean I guess it's possible."

"It's not."

"It would make sense," he insisted, looking at him. "Or it could just be that Crowley has a sick sense of humour. Like, he pretends he's taunting an angel, when it's really just some poor guy who got sucked into his little game."

Shane let out a long sigh, rubbing his temples. "Jesus, you can't keep saying stuff like that. We met those people, they know us," he said. Abandoning that train of thought, he looked up. "Also, how sad do you have to be, as a demon, that you have to _pretend_ some random dude is an angel just so you can, what, score some Satanic brownie points?"

"Okay, maybe it's stupid," Ryan said, holding up his hands in surrender.

"Yeah, it's stupid," Shane said. "It's just a pet name, Ryan. It's cute. They're a very nice couple, they're very in love, and it's all good. Anyway! This is from YouTube again, QT3.14 says - "

"Heh, cutie pie," Ryan laughed. Shane paused, looking up at him.

"Excuse me?" he said, baffled.

"Q - T," he said slowly, sounding it out. "Then 3.14 is pi."

"Oh, cool. I get it. That's clever," Shane said. "Anyway, QT3.14 says: Did anyone else see the figure moving up the stairs in the back room? It was on the infrared cam, right as Ryan turned off the spirit box."

Ryan let out a pained noise, pulling up the footage for Shane to see. "Okay, so... I looked at the footage again, because we got a lot of comments pointing stuff out that we missed this episode," he said, rubbing his forehead to calm himself. "So, the first thing we missed was actually pointed out by Holly Smithson on Facebook, at 6 minutes into the episode. When we were stood in-between the shelves, just before we hear the book fall over in the back, we see... ugh, I hate this, but we see something watching us. Look."

A dark, grainy image of the infrared camera replaced the post-mortem desk. It was a clip from the episode, which played through at normal speed first, then was replayed at half speed, zoomed in to a particular spot on a shelf behind Ryan. It was filmed with Shane's body cam, which only caught a flash of the image as he moved around. One of the books just above Ryan's shoulder was missing, leaving a small gap into the aisle beyond. For a split second, Shane's camera caught a large, pale eye staring through, unblinking and flicking back and forth as if trying to get a better view. The camera jostled and, when the gap came into shot again, the eye was gone.

"That does... that does look creepy," Shane conceded, clasping his hands under his chin as he appraised the laptop screen. 

Ryan looked at him. "What, this isn't evidence to you?"

He winced. "Meh," he said, shrugging. "It's got kind of a slit pupil thing going on, it's not blinking... maybe one of the books in the next aisle had like a little, uh, jewel or something on the spine and it's a trick of the light. It did vanish really quickly."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "You know how ridiculous that sounds. Something was in the aisle next to us," he said. He clicked on the next piece of footage. "This next clip is the thing that QT3.14 mentioned, the shadow figure in the back."

This clip began just as Ryan turned off the spirit box. As the static cut out, a silhouette mounted the spiral staircase behind them, silently ascending to the upper floor. Its edges were indistinct, hazy, but something certainly seemed to be moving. Only a flicker of it here and there could be seen, when it emerged from behind the central pillar of the staircase.

"Again, it's creepy, but it's not evidence," Shane said, pointing at it with his pen. "This could just as easily be, like... I dunno."

"You don't know?" he said, raising his eyebrows with a grin. "You don't know what it is but you still don't believe it's an apparition?"

"No, I don't," he said. 

"I'd like to remind everyone watching that when we went up those stairs, they creaked a lot," Ryan said, looking straight down the camera. "They were some loud stairs, and they didn't make a peep when this figure went up them."

"Surely that just proves that there was actually nothing there," he said, gesturing to the screen. 

"Or that it was definitely an apparition. And in fact," he continued, picking up his phone again. "A lot of people on YouTube and Instagram - including TompsonG, LaLaLand, 2Sp00ps4U, JSkellington - "

"All reputable sources," he said snidely.

"... they all said, and I agree with them, that the shadow figure we see on the stairs has the same height and build as Mr Fell's husband," he said. Shane scoffed, shaking his head and sipping from his mug. "Don't give me that look. Look at the silhouette: it's tall, thin, you can even see an indication of his hairstyle in a couple of frames."

"Even if there was someone on those stairs, this clip is way too grainy and fuzzy to be able to say any of that," he said. He sighed in exasperation. "Besides, to say that - that Crowley, the real dude I mean, not this supposed demon, was just walking around the shop all night he and we didn't notice him... it's ridiculous. We'd have seen him."

"Would we?" he challenged.

"Do you have any other things we missed, Ryan? Or is it time to get back on to the questions?" he said, going to pick his phone back up.

"One more and I'm done," he said. "Weirdly, this one scared me the most, but only because I can actually see what it is. If you look over my shoulder on the second floor, and turn up the brightness a whole bunch, you can see what was making the hissing noise."

"Oh, that's fun," Shane said, leaning forward as Ryan turned the screen toward him with a nervous grin. "Holy smokes!"

"I know," he said, descending into agitated laughter.

"That's - that's a snake!" Shane said, staring in astonishment at the camera. "There was a whole ass snake in that room and we couldn't see it!"

"Yeah, honestly, it was so dark in that shop," Ryan said, nodding as a brightened screenshot of the episode appeared onscreen. An enormous constrictor coiled in the corner of the hall, its body thicker than a man's leg in some places. "You could not see more than a foot in front of your face without a flashlight. It fucking terrifies me that we just - failed to notice a monster snake right in front of us on the floor, but it also kinda doesn't surprise me."

"It was, easily, one of the darkest locations we've been to this season. Scratch that, probably - probably one of the darkest ever," Shane said. He stared blankly at the desk. "I can't believe it. There was actually a dangerous animal in the shop. Wow. You know, I'm glad you talked me into leaving early, because if we'd waked like a few feet further down that hallway - "

"We'd have been within biting distance, yeah," he said. "It explains the hissing."

"It does explain the hissing," Shane said, throwing up his arms. "I'm assuming Mr Fell knows that thing is up there. That isn't gonna be, like, a surprise for him when he goes to the bathroom the next morning."

Ryan paused. "That's a good point, actually. Mr Fell must have known the snake was in the store."

"Oh yeah!" Shane cried, suddenly offended. "He didn't even say anything about it, he just set us loose in the - in the snake pit."

"Like, do you think he sent us in and just as the door was closing the was like _oh, shoot, should I tell them about the - ?_ " Ryan said, laughing, doing a poor imitation of Aziraphale. 

" _... about the giant snake on the second floor? Psh, nah, they'll be fine_ ," Shane finished. "These are the ghoul boys. They can handle snakes."

"Okay, we should probably get back to some questions," Ryan said, shaking off his laughter. "This is from Annoy-Everyone on Instagram. Hey Shane, the spirit box was very clear and gave direct responses to your questions this episode. Are you still sceptical? #boogara"

"Yes. It's pseudo-science. It's always been pseudo-science and it always will be pseudo-science," he said, giving an obnoxious smile to the camera. "Sorry, but it will never prove anything to me. Now, this next question is from Anthony Janthony on Facebook: hey Ryan and Shane, thoughts on Crowley's sense of style?"

"His sense of style was... interesting," Ryan said slowly. They shared a glance. "I was on board with it until the sunglasses."

"Yeah, that was kinda weird," Shane agreed. "Sunglasses indoors are kind of a hipster thing, and he did not have a hipster look about him. He was more of a kind of ageing rockstar type, like the kind of guy you see in the street and you wonder if he's famous... but you're not sure."

"He kind of looked like David Tenant," Ryan said.

"Oh yeah..." Shane said thoughtfully. "Hear me out: maybe, a demon possessed David Tenant, dyed his hair, put on some weird sunglasses and eloped with an angel so he could hang around with old books all day and mess with folks."

"Why do I feel like you're not taking this seriously?" Ryan said, voice tinged with humour. 

"I'm taking this... as seriously as it deserves to be taken," he said slowly, patting the desk with an air of finality. "Come on Ryan, more questions, keep 'em coming."

"Okay, here's Paul Tyler on Facebook, he's saying: Guys, I lived near that shop my whole childhood and I heard some crazy stuff. People thought anything was going on in there from ghosts to Irish fairies to vampires to skinwalkers (and FYI, Mr Fell is definitely immortal). It's a supernatural clusterfuck in there and I'm surprised you made it out alive. Major props to you, but I have to ask: did you actually say anything to Mr Fell about the fact his husband could be a demon?"

"Wow. Hell of an ask," Shane said.

"Yeah. Uh, first of all, thanks for the confidence boost. Good to know at least one viewer expected us to die in there," he said, giving a sarcastic thumbs up. "Secondly... I did sort of mention to Mr Fell that maybe he should look into getting an exorcist to take a look around and do some blessings, and... well, I hinted that there was definitely something in the shop which had some really disturbing intentions toward him. Crowley was stood like, six feet away at the time, and I was fucking terrified, so I couldn't say anything outright."

"He didn't seem that worried about the whole thing, and really, I can't blame him for that," Shane said, fiddling with a biro. "He believes in demons, but he obviously isn't all that scared by them, and I can respect that."

"Do you think he knows?"

"Knows what? Oh, you mean that his husband could be a demon?" he said, shooting an exasperated glance at the camera. "Uh, yeah, fine. If that's what it takes for you to make sense of this, Ryan, sure."

"But it could be true!" he said. "Marriage is like a contract, right? So maybe he made a deal for his soul with Crowley, in exchange for eternal life. I said, in the episode, that Mr Fell sleeping with the demon would explain why he hasn't aged since 1800."

"Whatever. Last question!" Shane interrupted, throwing up his hands in excitement. Ryan shook his head, tutting as his friend plowed on. "Shane, do you and Crowley know each other? He's the only other demon we've ever seen with a full corporeal form, walking around in the daytime."

"Oh, is this about that conspiracy theory that you're actually a demon in disguise trying to lead me astray in all my investigations?" Ryan said, leaning on the table. "I could believe it."

"Sure, sure. Uh," Shane said, looking at the camera with a shrug. "No comment."

Ryan shot a suspicious look down the lens. "That means yes."

"No, it means I'm not entertaining this ridiculous idea," he said, putting down his phone. "It's the end of the episode! What have got next week, Ryan?"

"Well, let's just say... it's the corporate management training centre _from Hell_ ," he said melodramatically. 

"OoOoo, spooky," Shane said, standing up from the desk. The outro music began to play, and the video crawled toward its end. "Okay Ryan, let's go get some coffee... and probably some legal advice, in case Mr Fell files a lawsuit against you."

The video ended, and a cursor scrolled across, clicking out of full screen mode. It moved down, and began to scroll through the comments section. Crowley smirked. It had been good fun, convincing Aziraphale into letting the ghost hunters into the shop, and it had made for some interesting entertainment. He glanced out the window, noticing the veneer of darkness which had overtaken the world outside. 

Aziraphale came into the bedroom, surprised to find Crowley still away, his face lit up with the artificial glow of the laptop screen. "My, you're up late," he said, taking off his shoes and pulling a set of pyjamas out of the drawer. "What's is it that's caught your interest tonight?"

"Shane and Ryan, you remember them," he said. The angel hummed in agreement. "They posted their last video on the shop."

"And?"

"Shane's throwing up a smokescreen for us like he said he would. We'll be urban legend for a while, until everyone forgets about the video," he said with a shrug. "Didn't I tell you it would be fun?"

"Well... I suppose it was a novel experience," he said, sitting down on the bed as he took off his clothes. He pulled his pyjamas on, still with a thoughtful look on his face. "That young human did seem quite rattled, though. I felt rather bad for him."

"He'll get over it. He once got told to fuck off by the ghost of Al Capone. We aren't the weirdest things he's seen," he said with a shrug. "Did I ever read you the comments from the original video?"

"Comments?" he said, sliding under the sheets to snuggle close to his shoulder. 

"It's when people leave a little review underneath a video so everyone can see," he said, clicking on to the original Unsolved episode. "Like this one: Hey Ryan and Shane, great video, loved the ambience in the shop. I've never seen the spirit box so active."

"Fascinating," he said. "Read me some more."

He cleared his throat, scrolling down in search of an interesting one. "Uh... this is a good one: I can't blame the demon for wanting to get in Mr Fell's pants, I would too. He's the literal definition of a sexy librarian."

"Hmph. How vulgar," he said, turning his nose up, but the tiny smile toying with his lips gave away how flattered he was underneath. 

"I have to agree with them, angel. I'm gonna like that one," said Crowley, clicking on it. That done, he kept scrolling and reading them out. "I bet the eye with slit was Crowley, and he wears sunglasses in the day to hide his eyes... heh, this commenter's a smart cookie, bang on."

"Indeed," he said, yawning. He didn’t often get drowsy, unless he was very relaxed. 

“This one’s funny: what do you call a crate full of vodka?” he said. Aziraphale hummed vaguely. “A spirit box.”

“My dear, that’s awful,” he said sleepily, smiling despite himself as he rested his head on Crowley’s chest. 

“Tired, angel?” he said, stroking his hair and putting the laptop aside.

“Just a smidge,” he mumbled. A few seconds later, he was snoring softly against his husband’s side.

Crowley didn’t move, unwilling to disturb his angel just for his own comfort. He gently rubbed his thumb across his temples, thinking of where he could take him for dinner tomorrow. He wanted to take him somewhere new, exciting... His thoughts were interrupted when his phone started to vibrate on the bedside table.

Frowning, he picked it up. “What?” he hissed quietly into the receiver, irritated.

“Oops, did I call at a bad time?”

Crowley’s anger dropped as he recognised the voice. “Madej?” he said.

“Oh come on, call me Shane. I don’t go by my true name much anymore,” he replied. “Not like you, Crowley.”

“It’s a personal choice. At least I’m not running about calling myself Crawley anymore,” he said, glancing down at Aziraphale to make sure he wasn’t disturbing him.

“Yeah, glad you changed that. Good call,” he said. “I just wanted to say thanks for letting us shoot in the bookshop. You did me a solid.”

“Hey, I just pulled a few strings. It was Aziraphale that gave the go-ahead,” he replied. The angel let out a mumble in his sleep, as if stirred by his name. Speaking more quietly now, Crowley continued: “Besides, us earth-bound demons have to stick together.”

“I hear ya. And I gotta say, nice touch, lurking around while we were filming,” he said with a laugh. “You really freaked Ryan out.”

“Ah, well, I would’ve just let you be, but Aziraphale insisted that I keep an eye on you while you were in there. He didn’t want you running amuck with his books,” he said with a hint of amusement. “And the spirit box was fun, too.”

“Yeah, it was. I had to keep reminding myself not to turn around and look at you while we were in there,” he said. “You hid yourself really well. We only really saw you on the stairs.”

“There are enough stacks of books in that shop to hide an elephant. It wasn’t hard,” he said, resting against the headboard. 

“I guess you’re right. Well, good talking to you, Crowley. We’ll have to meet up for drinks sometime,” he suggested.

“Sounds good.”

“Oh - and congratulations on bagging an angel, by the way. I never thought you had it in you,” he added, an audible smirk in his voice. “He’s a pretty one, too.”

“Hands off, Madej,” Crowley joked, fixing his sleeping husband with a loving glance. “I put a ring on his finger first. I win.”

“Yeah, yeah, you win,” he said with a chuckle. “Tell him I said hi. He’s welcome to join us for drinks, too.”

“I’ll let him know. Bye, Shane,” he said.

“See ya,” he said, hanging up the phone.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Bizarre Demons of AZ Fell & Co Antique Booksellers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28832859) by [Evillullaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evillullaby/pseuds/Evillullaby)




End file.
